About the past and the future
I was, just now, reading all my posts in this blog. This is something I can’t do with my other one, the oficial, since I started it in 2006 and there are LOTS of posts. But here it was enough to see how a lot has happened to me in 2009 and how my life is going really fast this year. The mere thought of not live my life is terrifying, but now I’m certain that it is ok to live just the way I’m living. There are so many things I have to tell, to think about, to remember.
A lot of what I think now is absolutely nothing new in my mind. Many times before I’ve said to myself the same things, and I keep suffering from the same mistakes. This makes me question: do we ever learn?
In no time, I’ll be back speaking about sex. Or not. Well, let’s wait for the future =)
Back
Well, here I am after about a year. A lot has happened to me since I desappeared, and the more important of it all is that I’m away from Gay Harbour, living in a city I can call Gayania. Here my sex life continues to be well developed, even more if we think that I had to start it from mark zero. I came to this new place without knowing anyone. Well, I’ve met like two persons before. Not much, I must say. And here I am, and now I’ll try to be back in my storires here =)
Alive
Yes, I am, sorry for the long time without appearing here. Sex life is quite agitated, heart has been lost for a beautiful and sad boy, and a lot more. My classes are coming to an end, so maybe now I’ll have more time to write.
^^
About a boy
I met this boy on the internet. Manhunt, it was. His profile had no picture or any kind of information, so I couldn’t know that he was sixteen, smart and beautiful. His message was something like “hey, add me on MSN, you have nothing to lose”. I thought it funny, but since I’m trying to be open to opportunities, I added him. In no time I found out that he was a very nice kid who knew what he wanted for his life etc.
One week later he asked me out. I like a bit too much of younger people, and the perspective of going out with a sixteen was very nice. We went to the movies, and had a little misunderstanding about the place where we should meet, what made me have to cross the city to find him. We have like three or four shopping centers with the same name, and he understood a different one than which I spoke of. Anyway, it was a lovely night, we talked a lot and watched a movie and kissed and stuff. Very nice.
Two days later we met again. I picked him up at the dentist and from there we went to another shopping center, where we went to the movies again. Another film, I really don’t remember which, probably because we didn’t watch it. I am very venturous when it is about sex, so I really didn’t see a problem in performing oral right there. I would do more, if there were less people. The dark kind of helps, you know? After the film we had dinner and talked for a long time. I was very happy.
Happy enough to embrace monogamy again.
What I didn’t knew was that he had other thoughts about that. You see, that’s the problem about not being sincere. People get hurt. I threw away two months waiting for this boy who made me happy for like two weeks. He was just perfect for me, that was what I was imagining then. I couldn’t see that we weren’t at any kind of commitment. The fact that he was completely busy made perfect sense to me. I wasn’t much free also, with the classes and work and stuff.
After two months of almost never talking to him on MSN, and of seeing him only two other times, en passant, I gave up. unfortunately, not quite so happy as I could. I was devastated by the distance, by the difficult of having a nice relationship with someone who (I thought) wanted the same as I did. It hurt. During two months I dated no one else. Two months I wasted for the believe that I could own someone and, worse, be owned.
Time passed, I started going out again, heart protected against love once again.
I had for a long time this contact on MSN, we sort of stopped talking for a while, but then somehow he reappeared on MSN and there we were talking. And voilá, he had been going out with the boy I liked. I already suspected of that, since they were friends on orkut now, but not when we met. This social network stuff is very useful when you want to spy on someone’s life.
Funny thing, the guy I’m talking nowadays wasn’t, apparently, so fool as I had been. Anyway, it makes no difference now. What would have spared me from bigger suffering was the truth. I can handle anything I know of, but I really can’t sort out ways to deal with the unknown.
People shouldn’t hide certain things.
Weekend
Saturday night I went to the house of a boy with whom I’ve been speaking in MSN. He is lovely, and we slept together for two days, talked a lot etc. We did not kissed once, or had any kind of sex. But we did slept together, hugged a lot and it was just perfect. I felt like I could love someone again, what makes me sorry, since neither one of us wish to fall in love.
There is a painting beside his bed that says: “The minute I start to feel something, I’ll have to run away. I’m sorry”. It suited him so perfectly, and suited me also.
I don’t allow myself to feel anything nowadays. It is strange. There was a time when I realy did not feel a thing, I was just a body going around, without dreams, without desires. Then I waked up and now I am eppty again, but for my own choice. I know that love someone can be easily turned into depending on someone, and I can’t live with that. I need more time to learn that I am far more important than anyone else, at least in my very own existence.
. . . . .
Yet, sleeping together with this boy I barely know was just magical. He has the most beautiful smile. He daydreams a lot. I hope we will become really good friends. I want to see him happy, to be happy with him.
Nowadays I wish so many things. That’s nice.
Fun Home
I just finished reading Fun Home, of Alison Bechdel. It’s a graphic novel about the relationship of a girl (the author) and her father, both gay. It’s really worth the time spent, although I must confess that the first pages made me tired. I wonder if I will ever have the guts to write something like that. The stories are in my head, but who knows if I’ll be actually able to put them on paper? And after that, to get them to the whole world.
Anyway, I’m trying to become a reader again. Somehow I lost the track these past days, probably because I had to read a lot to write my pre-project for master course. I passed the first step (not the better word, I’m sure), now there are two more.
. . . .
Ohn, I had my first HIV test. Got the result today. I find it amusing that the fact of being sick would me inspire to write all my thoughts and stories. Maybe I can convince myself that I am, then become another famous dying writer.
Getting back
I’ve been a bit sick, and a bit busy too. From now on I am back, though. And my sex life is starting to move again 
)
Sorry
Yes, I am a lousy blogger. But I have a perfect explanation, ok? Tomorrow, during the whole day, I have a test that will say if I will do in 2010-11 my Master in Visual Culture.
I’ve been studying for the last two months. The first problem was that in order to make my inscription I had to write a project about what I intended to work through the course. My research theme. So I did it, and a lot of people read it and commented it. I had a lot of help in this part, which was very nice and truly comforting.
Then I worried about reading the bibliography asked to the exam. I suppose I’m ready to the kind of question I expect, but who knows what can be asked? I imagine that I have a good chance, but it’s not easy to predict what kind of expectation they have, and what kind of student they’re looking for.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
If my language test be ok, and my knowledge test too, then my project will be read and evaluate. After all that, there is an interview. If everything turns out fine, I’ll be moving to another city in about four months.
And then start a whole new life.
I’m afraid, but excited too. Who knows what the future holds for me? Or who, when, how.
Gay friends
I’ve always wanted to have a group of gay friends, with whom I could go out at night, spend afternoons in parks and shopping and this kind of stuff. But my gay life always resumed to my ex-boyfriend and our dates. He didn’t like any of the people I was used to hang on with, and none of them was gay anyway. After our break up, I got myself without gay friends, when a relationship should have provided me with at least a few.
Now I have some gay friends. Most of them, if not all, I met on the internet. Chats and manhunt were the main ways, and I can’t say my priority wasn’t get easy sex, but among the people I’ve met (and others I’ve had sex) there are a few that are really nice. And those are the ones I’m trying to keep around me. There are three of them that are already friends, and I am inserting myself in their group. There are others that don’t belong any “party”, but I suppose I can do something to change this.
More than find ways to make my life happier, I now have the chance to make other’s lives more interesting. It’s not just my existence as a good influence, but also an intentional purpose of helping people. I want these gays-guys I’ve met to be really happy, so they can make me happy in the process.
Talking about it
There is no problem in having sex with your friends. The problem is to talk about it later. After saturday, I haven’t talked about the kissing thing with the boy I was with, but the topic will, eventually, be brought on. It is a shame, you know, because I liked quite a bit and I am interested in repeating. I don’t know if it’s going to happen, though. Specially because I want our common friend to play also. And together, if possible.
Yeah, I’m feeling kind of dirty. Well, and who will say that I’m wrong?
I have a friend who I truly love, she is just smart and funny etc. We have this idea that we must say “fuck it” and be happy, no matter what. People tend to be sad only because they worry too much, or expect things that won’t happen. I understand the idea that I have to do my best to make others’ lives happy, but shouldn’t I look for mine first? If the answer is yes, then fuck it.
. . . . .
I’m trying to find anything about getting drunk that I really disliked, just to say “oh, I prefer life sober”. But up to now I haven’t find anything.
. . . . .
Am I doing any harm? No. If people expect more of me than I want to give, well, I’m sorry. Every time I did that I was the only one suffering. I must enjoy while I’m not in love ^^
